Look Who's Four?!?!

 Look who turns 4 today?

Born at 3:36am at an awesome 8lbs 5oz

It seems like it was just yesterday that I was in the delivery room trying to push this baby out of me (without pain meds, thankyouverymuch!).  That it was only just last week that I learned what true sleep deprivation was.  There were so many times when I seriously doubted myself.  That breastfeeding was hard, MUCH harder than I thought possible.  And even after getting into a routine, I doubted if I was producing enough milk.  I doubted myself and my ability to be even a semi-decent mother because I hadn't ever been this sleep-deprived and I always wondered why was this baby always ALWAYS crying.  Didn't I feed him?  Didn't I change him?  I saw other babies who would play happily by themselves or fall asleep by themselves and felt the intense frustration that I was doing something very wrong.  That I was a failure.  There were times where I would just scream, at the top of my lungs, right at my crying baby's face because I was so frustrated at all my failures as a mother (and a stay-at-home one to boot!) that I would oftentimes just start crying and sobbing because of all my self-doubt.

But then something magical happened.  I saw how he would continually test himself with his motor skills.  He never learned to crawl first, just went straight to walking (he later learned how to crawl because he wanted to go up the stairs).  With this newfound ability, I saw how he would observe the world around him.  By looking at things.  Holding things in his tiny hands (and oftentimes, putting said things into his mouth).  Feeling the different surfaces of flooring on his bare feet.  Playing with pots and pans in the kitchen.  And before I knew it, he turned one.

First Birthday

And it kept getting better.  No longer was I wondering if I was doing anything right and feeling like a complete failure.  I saw how his personality progressed and he became this playful but cautious little toddler who really seemed to absorb everything in.  He wasn't prone to tantrums and played really well with others.  He actually enjoyed trying to help us out with all of our little hum-drum chores, like sweeping the driveway, or filling the washing machine, or even watering the plants in the backyard.  Of course, even though I felt that I was starting to get the hang of this parenting thing, I was filled with self-doubt and worry that his language skills wouldn't progress.  That we were speaking too many languages at home (English, Mandarin, and Cantonese) and that we were confusing him.  Regardless of his ability to speak even in three-word sentences, we marveled at how smart our little boy was because he understood all three languages.  By the time he turned two, I'd already forgotten about all my insecurities and self-doubt from his first year and just wanted to spend as much time as possible with this little baby who was quickly turning into a little boy.

Second birthday

Soon, we were trying to figure out how to do things like potty-training.  I must've read a gazillion articles on the best way as well as consulted with every single parent I could get through to via email, phone, and in-person.  I saw that my baby became this super social butterfly, just going up to other kids in the playground and start playing.  My heart broke that one day when he just bawled and bawled because an older boy he was following at the playground had locked him inside the baby playground so that he couldn't follow him anymore.  I saw that my little baby was at the age where I wouldn't be able to protect him from all the hurts in the world because sometimes, people are just mean.  Maybe because of that, I was hesitant to send him to preschool because those teachers at school OBVIOUSLY can't govern all those kids at once.  But there was no keeping this little guy from going.  Every day he would ask:  "can I go to school today?"  Soon enough, the sweetest and most caring little boy I've ever known turned three.  And shortly thereafter, he welcomed his little brother with open arms and an even bigger heart and all the anxiety, stress, frustration, self-doubt that came the minute he was born disappeared.

Third birthday

Since then, he started school and his language skills improved dramatically.

For Halloween, he wanted to be Superman.

He learned about arts and crafts at school and made his own hat for Thanksgiving.

All the while developing his own personality that's so infectious one can't help but want to laugh and hug him tightly at the same time.

He hasn't lost his love for always wanting to help out and be productive.

And to see him observe the little details of the world around him and know that he's actually learning has been one of the most intensely overwhelming experiences I could have ever possibly have known.

Whether it's learning the simple thing of how to make a wish by throwing a penny into the water fountain (make a wish and then throw the penny into the fountain, don't just throw the penny into the fountain, laugh, and run back to us for more pennies!)...

... or getting all caught up in the awesomeness that is "American Ninja Warrior" and trying to duplicate all obstacle courses in the confines of our living room and giving our furniture a good thrashing (oh my God... we only have 3 episodes saved on our DVR and we've been watching the very same three episodes EVERY. SINGLE. DAY)...

...or even learning about all the microenvironments at the beach on a beautiful day...

... I can't help but feel that all my worries and self-doubt were nothing.  Like why was I so worried about looking and feeling like I had it together?  Why was I so stressed out about his 30-minute naps?  Why was I crying over my perceived inability to do anything at all???  Those things really don't matter at all and I have him to thank.  For teaching me, above all else, patience.  That nothing worthwhile comes easily or quickly.  And the rewards, when they come, are so sweet.

Happy 4th birthday, baby!

Yeesh...

I got an email from a good friend the other day basically asking me if I was still alive.  Yep, I'm still alive.  But just barely.  I feel like life since MIL's diagnosis has been one whirlwind after another.  The good news is that she's responding really well to low-dose chemo and will soon be embarking on a cruise to Alaska with some friends.  Hubs and I were just like "GO!" because if you don't go now, then when?  It's just a sad fact of life that until we're faced with the frailty of our own life, we just keep saying "later, later".  Like when I went to watch "Up" when it came out in theaters, I was practically bawling when Ellie died, and the couple never got to have their great adventures.  Pregnancy hormones may have played a huge factor in my waterworks, but still.

The youthful couple

In the sunset of their lives

The other day (before someone in Florida won the Powerball jackpot), Hubs and I were trying to figure out what we'd do with the winnings if we ever won the lottery.  "Take Mom wherever the hell she wants to go.  First class.  And only via Singapore Airlines!" I quickly chirped out.  Honestly, I know I'm pretty biased with Singapore Air, but I've been to Asia and back a few times on other airlines and Singapore Air is by far and away THE BEST.  Sigh... if only they'd pay me to endorse them... c'est la vie!

Anyway, the point is:  MIL is going on a vacation.  She's going to see the beautiful glaciers and have a great time.  We're trying to get other things going for her as well.  She's learned to love the iPad from when she was staying with us so we're getting her her very own.  Not the Mini because the screen's just too small.  She also loves spending some quality time at the slots but unless there's a completely smoke-free casino that's a no-go.  Needless to say, we're trying to cram as much stuff into her schedule as is humanly possible (while on a budget!) because NOW is the time to do these things, not later.

Other than that, I feel like a total wreck of a person.  Kettlebell is still not sleeping through the night.  I was seriously contemplating jumping all over the new Crossfit box that opened up practically across the street from my house but realized that I would really only be doing myself more harm than good.  Kettlebell is now going to a terrific home-care run by our friend's mom and two sisters and from what I've been told, has been eating just about everything in sight and has, on more than... uh... several occasions, stolen food from the food trays of other children AND the mouths of the caregivers themselves.  Sometimes I wonder if they believe me when, while dropping him off, I tell them he's eaten a good breakfast (which can run from scrambled egg, pastured beef hot dog, smoked salmon to fruits and coconut milk yogurt).  Good thing I just renewed my Costco membership.  Sheesh!

"No food here!"

We now have Chubster going to the Chinese-English immersion preschool and he's doing wonderfully.  He just started a couple of weeks ago and we really couldn't be happier.  This new school is WAY more organized and the fact that we're going to be reinforcing Chinese with him is awesome.  Since his birthday's coming up (it's a Thursday), I couldn't wait to bring in the little cupcakes or whatever for him to share with his classmates.  Except that there's this LONG ASS list of things we're allowed to bring and an even LONGER list of what we're NOT.  For example, we're allowed to buy (not make ourselves in our own home) cupcakes (not cakes!) with NO frosting from a bakery so long as they don't contain nuts.  I was like "holy sh!et... are you kidding me???".  Lucky for me, one of my coworkers has a super talented wife who just opened up her own Paleo bakery and is going to baking her fantastic cupcakes which, besides being gluten-free, will be nut-free and dairy-free.  In fact, I was so over the moon about the fact that she was opening her own bakery that I asked her to bake some more for the boys' birthday party coming up (yes I'm totally combining their birthdays because they're only 11 days apart and it's just too much work to do separate parties).

nut & nectar, a Bay Area Paleo bakery

Now that THAT hurdle's out of the way, I can go back to my daily madness...

The friend I mentioned earlier at the beginning of this post also asked me if I was still Paleo despite my crazy hectic schedule.  Granted, I haven't been even 80% Paleo but I've still managed to stay gluten-free.  Of course, when things are just super crazy in the lab, I'm downing chocolate and dried fruits (usually mangoes) like kerAZY.  However, as tired as I am when I get home, I can always quickly throw something in a pan for dinner.  I make it a point to prep the food as soon as I get home from the Farmers' Market on Sundays, and my weekly staples are always:  sweet potatoes, chopped kale, baby fingerling potatoes, carrots, and a huge bag of baby spinach.

It's pretty awesome when I can throw something in a pan or the oven while my sous-vided protein is warming up in the hot water bath (usually a ton of hot water in my sink) before getting seared and before the 30 minutes is over, dinner is hot, fresh, and waiting for us on the dinner table.  Sigh... if only I can get my laundry this streamlined.

Honestly, how are other working parents managing this?  I seriously feel like there's not enough time during the weekdays, it's hectic trying to get the kids dropped off, work, and run errands.  I'm super lucky that Hubs is able to pick up the boys 98% of the time!  And the household chores feel ENDLESS!  If you guys have any tips for me, I'd greatly appreciate them.

If you don't mind, I'm going to try to hide in a dark closet somewhere and make a feeble attempt at regaining my sanity.

Adventures in Stressland (Part II)

Sorry for the lack of regular posts, peeps.  As you can tell from my last post, things have been crazy busy lately.  In the last few weeks, we've managed to hire a great nanny to look after our boys while we settle into our new routine.  The family's been trying their hardest to emphasize the importance of good nutrition to my dear MIL and all of a sudden, I found myself to be the one to point out where to get which items where.  It would be completely unreasonable to think that MIL will be completely on board the Paleo train now but we're making bits of progress here and there.  After consulting a renowned chiropractor who knows just about all there is to know (and more!) about alternative therapies (by the way, it was because of him that I got cured of hyperthyroidism), he recommended that MIL abstain from (in addition to all things gluten and sugary) any red meat and all dairy (even grassfed).  MIL and the rest of the family were in total despair as to what she could eat.  So I quickly found myself trying to come up with a sample meal plan for her.

Before you start screaming at me about the rice, bear in mind that this meal plan IS for my MIL who is not going to just all of a sudden drop the way she's been eating for 60+ years.  I spent a good solid WEEK on this effing menu trying to come up with the items that I know she'll eat because she's familiar with it.  Of course, she's not familiar with other things like the Green Smoothie.  In fact, she downright made a face when my BIL made it and gave it to her and tried to get all us kids to drink hers.  Baby steps though, right?

In other news, now that I'm one super busy momma, I don't have the friggin' time to actually cook.  By the time I get home, it's already 4 - 4:30.  The last thing I want to do is rummage through the fridge to get inspired by whatever items are in there and do whatever food prep.  After all, I'm not just cooking for me, Hubs, and Chubster.  I'm also cooking for our wonderful nanny.  As a full-time college student (she takes her classes online), the last thing she's going to want to do at the end of a long day with my kids is to fight traffic home and then figure out what she's going to eat.  With all this in mind, eating out every night is also not an option (even if it was just me and Chubster!) since that sh!t gets expensive.  That first week after MIL's diagnosis saw us eating out every night.  At about $40/night (that would be a conservative sum, mind you), you can see how that adds up!  And by the way, that totally doesn't even include lunch either!

I'd been wanting to sous vide for some time now, especially since M does it a lot (and she reminded me of what a great time-saver it was too!).  Since I don't have exactly have the moolah to get a Sous Vide Supreme (or even a Sous Vide Demi!), I opted for a $99 Dorkfood temperature controller instead.

This thing is pretty handy.  It's nice and compact and it doesn't take up any counter space.  How awesome is it to be able to turn my handy-dandy crockpot into a sous vide???  I couldn't wait to give it a try so I seasoned some grassfed steaks and "vacuum-sealed" them using my Ziploc bags and the water-displacement method.

And voila!  My crockpot's totally working it with the whole "hack" sous vide thing!

And wouldn't you know it?  A good friend of mine and her husband gave me a super thoughtful present:  a water-immersion circulator!  This thing was built by her super-duper engineer husband:

Now I can turn ANY container into a water oven!  Of course, if you're not following my friend Jenn on Twitter, WE can't be friends anymore.  And no, I'm not kidding.  Besides, what kind of friends are willing to build you something that's actually (according to Linda) better than the Sous Vide Supreme???  The BEST kind, that's what!!!

So of course, I've been dedicating Sundays (Farmers' Market day) to food buying and prepping.  I've been sous-vide-ing a sh!t TON, like the steaks in the above pic and these Cajun-rubbed chicken thighs...

... and shoot... I'm even going to try experimenting with beef osso bucco!

Besides having the sous vide crockpot going, I ended up being able to put the water-immersion circulator to good use!

Now THAT'S a full cooler!  But it's nice because there's several packets of seasoned chicken breasts along with a couple packets of seasoned beef osso bucco.  With the steaks cooking in the other one, that's a whole week's worth of lunches AND dinners all going at the same time!

The beauty of being able to sous-vide food for the weeknights has been ah-MAZE-balls because when I get home, all I have to do is decide between chicken, pork, or steak for dinner.  When I've decided, I plop the meat into a bucket full of super hot water from the tap and let the meat warm up while I prep my veggie sides.

Because I'm so short on time on the weeknights, the only thing I can rustle up are quick stir-frys.  If I have a little more time, I'll dump some prepped root veggies (like carrots or parsnips) into the toaster oven to roast for a bit.  And when I'm done with the veggies, I get to sear the meat on a nice super-hot skillet...

... and pair it up with my quickly prepped veggies.

Sorry no steak picture.  Like I said, I've been very busy.  It'd be nice if I had a super cool kitchen torch like M so that I could give the outside of the meat a super nice char but I don't think Hubs will let me have that in the house, what with having a toddler and an infant in the house.  It's definitely something to look forward to though!  However, being able to sous-vide has seriously been THE MOST AWESOME thing to have happened in my household.  The fact that I'm no longer having to fork over $40+ a night for just dinner alone has been incredible.  From start to finish (from deciding what to eat to putting the plate together), putting together a super healthy meal for myself and my family is much faster (and cheaper!) than getting take-out.  In fact, I've been getting on my soapbox these last couple weeks to trying to get all my fellow mommy-friends to do it too.

And yes, while I'm most likely getting the dubious looks from ALL of you about my usage of the plastic Ziploc bags, I have just ordered the vacuum-sealer with the bags .  I can't wait until those come in this week.

Cue Happy Dance!

Adventures in Stressland (Part I)

The chaos of the last week and a half or so is finally dying down.  Thank God, because I don't know how much longer I was going to be able to cope with it.  Before I go any further though, I want to thank ALL of YOU for your kind thoughts and well wishes.  It never ceases to amaze me whenever I get comments and emails from people other than my friends (hi Jen!  hi Jess!), and it's even more touching when you guys reach out to me (and therefore my family!) with your words of comfort during our times of misery and despair.  Right now, we're looking into doing all that we can for my mother-in-law, from supplements to nutrition to the latest clinical trials.  In addition to the baking soda/maple syrup and the food grade hydrogen peroxide treatments (thanks Chelsea!), please let me know if you hear of something we should look into.

MIL's diagnosis was definitely not an easy one to take.  Just earlier that morning, I found out from my ex-boyfriend (yes we're still friends) that his mom had just passed away from cancer on the 2nd after being diagnosed around Thanksgiving.  This bit of news was pretty hard to take, since I credit Linda with having helped me learn how to manage life as a bonafide independent person.  At a time where I was most vulnerable and not knowing where to go, she helped guide me and was my confidante on a lot of things.  The only thing she didn't like about me?  Leaving the fish head while cooking and serving.  I'm very sad to hear about her passing.  And as if two cancer patients in one day wasn't enough of a kick in the boobs (I'd say "crotch", but I'm a girl), my good friend (whom I've known since high school) and her husband had to say goodbye to their 6 month old son (who's only a couple weeks older than Kettlebell), who passed away the following Monday from complications arising from a respiratory infection.  7 days into the new year and that's already a lot more death than I can handle.

After MIL's diagnosis, the family decided to move her to my BIL's house since she'll be much closer to the hospital.  Of course, this meant that Hubs and I would have to figure out childcare.  First thing Monday morning after dropping Kettlebell off with my incredibly awesome cousin (but y'all already knew how amazing she is anyway), I placed ads in both care.com and sittercity.com while calling around daycare, homecare, and preschools with attached daycare.  I also thought that I'd be able to work from home while trying to figure out what to do about childcare when word came down from the head honcho:  come in to work or take PTO.

Well sh!t.  Granted, I really did just come back from practically a 6-month maternity leave but I really can't afford to take any more PTO.  With the situation with MIL being on the dire side, I really need to save the PTO for the times when I'll really need it.  So now that I have to go back in to work, what the heck was I going to do with the baby???  After calling around and figuring out schedules, we managed to wrangle my super duper awesome SIL in Morgan Hill to babysit for the remainder of the week.  Now that I've got childcare figured out for the rest of the week so I can focus on finding childcare for the long-term, is there anything else that can possibly happen to really torture my adrenals?  Yes.  Because now I had to compile and analyze my sh!t ton of data and have it ready by Monday.

Kill me.  Now.

The rest of the week went by in an incredibly intensive flurry of high stress and major anxiety.  I emailed/called about twelve nannies, five of whom replied.  Three emailed back saying that they had forgotten to update their availability on the site (grr...).  One said that she was currently unemployed and was available immediately but didn't respond to my emails/calls about setting up a time for me to interview (can we say "what the eff is WRONG with you???").  I answered a craigslist posting for someone who was looking to nanny-share but she only wanted to communicate with me via email instead of talking to me over the phone so that was a no (um... that was a pretty obvious no).  Calls placed to daycare centers from San Jose to San Carlos (that would be about 27 miles) yielded no availability for infants for most places.  Some of these daycare centers also had wait lists that were a year and a half long which led me to wonder what the hell was wrong with people to want to get on a wait list that's THAT long for an infant who's obviously not even been conceived yet.  The childcare places with immediate openings for infants were way out of our price range ($350/week) and the preschools with attached daycare where, presumably, we'd get a sibling discount was even MORE expensive, with the cheapest rate at $617/week.

I couldn't eat.  I couldn't sleep.  My milk supply dropped five ounces in one day. The only thing that was helping me function was my thermos of regular coffee in the mornings.  And just for good measure, Kettlebell started teething and started to really sleep like crap.  A couple days later, he came down with a cold.  And maybe because he's so congested, he'd start coughing and coughing so much that he'd end up throwing up all the milk he just nursed.

Quick:  someone hand me some shot glasses of some hard liquor.  Like Patron tequila or something.

By Friday, the chaos looked like it was starting to subside.  I managed to find a nanny to help us out for the time being for four days a week (SIL will look after the boys one day a week).  When the whole childcare was figured out (at least temporarily), the most amazing thing happened:  I got hungry and was incredibly thirsty.

I drank 3L of water.  In one sitting.  This does not include the thermos of regular coffee followed by the two thermos' full of hot green tea.  As if that wasn't enough, I drank a full bottle of cranberry kombucha followed by three large plastic cups full of cold water.  All that liquid in one 8-hour workday (and yeah, I peed a TON).

I also ate one small container of chicken liver pate with a sh!t ton of tortilla chips (yeah... staying Paleo wasn't first and foremost on my mind but at least my eats were gluten-free).  In addition, I also ate about 6 avocados with prosciutto.  I also killed the remaining half of my roast beef (about half pound) with about a quart of kim chi, and a quart each of homemade pickled mustard greens and carrots and daikon (the pickles given to me by my awesome colleague).

Looking back, I hadn't realized how much stress I'd been under.  Of course, I'd been under stressful situations in which I lost my appetite but this was by far and away THE MOST stressful situation I'd ever been in.  The stress of trying to find affordable childcare on such short notice (while at work and trying to NOT lose my job at the same time!), in my mind, ranks up there with the stress of a world leader trying to avoid an international conflict... like World War Three or something.  And now that I'm part of the society that now is dependent upon third-party childcare, I'm told that things like this (trying to find childcare on very short notice) happen quite frequently.

Sigh.  Where's that shot glass?

What was the most stressful thing to ever happen to you and how did you manage it?

Holidays

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year everyone!  Hope your holidays were merry and bright and that the new year will bring you much health, wealth, and prosperity!

Sorry for not having blogged much lately.  Lots of stuff was happening.  Things like work and trying to get my acts together before the onslaught of family for the holidays.  I didn't take any food pictures since that was definitely not my top priority but I did manage to take a picture of my lil guy wearing his Christmas outfit:

Just so you know, Hubs and I are already thinking of pimping out our kids for modeling.  I just recently looked at Chubster's 529(k) (which was started pretty much as soon as he was born) and even with our monthly contributions, the end result will probably only pay for one semester of college.  Besides, they're never too young to start earning their keep, right???

We headed on over to Santa Cruz to celebrate the coming of the new year with our good friends J and G and their two babes (our boys are only three days apart).  In addition to J becoming a business owner with her personal training, G took the leap and went to work for a start-up and is Employee #3 (go stock options!).  On top of that, they decided they'd had enough of their rental in Mountain View and bought their first house in Santa Cruz.  We couldn't be happier for them.

Though this wasn't our first time to their new digs, it's always fun being able to hang out with them and have the kids playing with each other.  As you can see, here are the kids getting into the spirit:

We didn't make it to midnight here on the West Coast but Hubs and I toasted our friends to a better 2013.

Alas, it was not meant to be.

On Christmas Eve, MIL suddenly had difficulty breathing and had to be admitted into the emergency room where it was discovered that her lungs were filled with fluid.  Later, she had half of the fluid removed (about 1.25L) but couldn't remove the remainder since it was excruciatingly painful for her.  After waiting anxiously for the results, we were hoping that she had pneumonia.

This past Friday, 4 January, she was told that she had Stage IV adenocarcinoma.

Fuck you, cancer.

Chicken Liver Pâté

Many thanks to Lisa of Lisa's Counter Culture for this recipe!

- 1/2lb chicken liver
- 1/2 onion, diced
- handful brown or oyster mushrooms, sliced
- 3 cloves garlic
- sea salt (at least a tsp, prob more)
- white pepper to taste
- fresh parsley (abt 2 - 3 tbsp)
- dash of cooking sherry or white wine, apple cider vinegar in a pinch
- pork lard
- 2 - 3 pastured hard-boiled medium-sized eggs



1. Rinse chicken livers gently
2. Saute onion in pork lard until onions are brownish and mushrooms are fully cooked (is using mushrooms)
3. Set onions and mushrooms aside to cool
4. Peel hard-boiled eggs and set aside
5. Saute remaining ingredients with pork lard (or butter) but be sure to leave chicken livers a little pink (don't overcook!)
6. Wait until ALL ingredients are cooled (this is important so that it doesn't become total mush when blending)
7. Add onion/mushroom mixture to food processor and blend well
8. Add eggs to food processor and pulse several times
9. Add rest of mixture from pan (chicken livers, garlic, parsley)
10. Pulse once or twice - taste - adjust seasoning with salt and pepper
11. Chill before serving

17 Dec '12: Monday's Eats

Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend and held their loved ones tightly because life is simply too short.  I'm lucky in that Chubster is still too young to understand what has happened but that certainly hasn't stopped me from just looking at him and trying to soak up every last bit of him (Kettlebell too).  While I'm sure most of us probably still feel incapacitated in trying to help the families who've lost someone, we can all do a little something.  That can be writing a letter to one of the families, donating money to the Sandy Hook School Support Fund,or even learning more about what we can do to curb gun violence.  Most importantly, what we can do is to remember the ones who were taken from us too soon and pray that their families will be able to find peace.

To start my day, I opted to fry up a couple of pastured eggs and served it up with a few slices of wild smoked salmon, all washed down with a nice hot cup of decaf (contains Vitamin A, zinc, omega-3s, biotin, pantothenic acid, niacin, and Vitamin K2).

I totally forgot that we had a catered Holiday Lunch at work today and had brought all the leftovers from my fridge.  Ah well... leftovers are STILL leftovers!  I dug in rather heartily into some roast chicken, roasted potatoes, broccolini, and frittata (contains Vitamin A, biotin, sulfur, pantothenic acid, and niacin).  And I washed it down with a... gasp!... Sprite (contains sugar... LOTS of it)!

I was so full from lunch (hard to stop when the food's pretty good!) that I ended up skipping dinner.  I'm still feeling under the weather and am all kinds of congested so before bed, I downed a big bowl of super-hot bone broth (yay glycine!) (I didn't burn my mouth this time!) and a couple packets of EmergenC.  I'm officially over being sick.